Tinnitus

I like noise

I like my ears to be busy

I like my mind to be occupied by the cascade;

The Thousands of sounds that they draw in.

I have set my ears like a trap for noise

Frequency and tone

Volume and vibration

Buzz, rattle and moan

Piercing cries

Breathy sighs

Notes and voices

Harmonies and melodies

Bass and treble and a trembling

I can listen to preachers for hours

A conversation is utter salvation

The alarm is sounding 

I'm awake

The Kettle is boiling

The tap is running

The shower is humming and drumming

The music's more often than not playing in the background

Before I leave I pray out loud,

God likes the sound of my voice,

Almost as much as I do

I'm in the car,

And the radio is on,

I'm at work and for every moment I am not talking with colleagues,

My headphones are on, 

More music and podcasts

I'm in the car now to go home,

And the radio's on,

Then home and the telly, the X-box and the bluetooth speaker

More music and podcasts,

Sometimes I combine 

On my better days

I might pray out loud before bed

God likes the sound of my voice, I tell myself,

Almost as much as I do

And when I finally lay down

I play episodes from a TV period drama on my phone whilst it is charging,

I am not watching the pictures,

I am listening,

Always listening

As the familiar words of Elizabeth

Cue my mind for the sleep

Waiting in the wings,

I do this all week long

With one or two exceptions.

I like noise

I like my ears to be busy

I like my mind to be occupied by the cascade;

The Thousands of sounds that they draw in.

I have set my ears like a trap for noise

Because I have had tinnitus for the last 30 years,

I like noise,

Because it drowns the drone,

And gives me respite from what would otherwise fill every moment of my life with it's relentlessness

It is always there

At any given moment, even within the loudest sounds 

I can tune in if I choose

Tuning out however, requites absorption


In the same way, I like to be busy

Not to be still 

Nor Spiritually silent.

When I sit before the Lord

The silence can be terrifying

Because I don't want to think about the reality

AND SO I PRAY OUT LOUD

Not knowing the silence is a gift,

The opposite of tinnitus

The things I find in the silence

With grace and time I can change

If I choose to tune in